Showing Up

Unable to share my location- as promised to my friends back at the resort, I stuffed my newly purchased gift shop towel into a borrowed backpack and marched forward. I found myself in Maui, somewhere between Hana and Paia, about to enter into a jungle. While not visiting Hawaii alone, circumstance had it that I was in fact the only familiar face able to explore the trails that day. 

Joining a small tourist group, being a very obvious  party of one, in a group of two tour guides, and a few gushing honeymooners. Immediately, much before any judgemental glares came my way, I felt as though I needed to justify the lack of a counterpart. My turn for an introduction came, and I made sure to answer all inevitable questions I was certain everyone else was thinking. 

What would people think of me traveling alone? Thoughts flooded my mind as I quickly scrambled out some sort of words explaining who I was, and why in the world I was embarking on such an incredible journey alone. 

No, I wasn’t in Maui alone. Yes, with one exchange student and four children, my husband and I have a total of five kids at home, and well- you know, Mama needs some time away. 

In near immediate reflection, why at all did I find it necessary to share those details? Who was I really justifying my individual day excursion to- these strangers, or myself?

I already know the answer. 

Me. 

I needed to convince only myself that I was worthy of a trip- let alone an afternoon enjoying an activity that I’ve only before dreamed of doing.

Arriving in Maui this trek through the jungle was not planned, let alone purchased. Prior to leaving I shared the idea of going on a hike, knowing that with a young child on the trip, the girlfriend I was meeting up with would not be able to join me. Yet, there I was- in the jungle. 

Not worried about any one’s needs but my own, I put my hair in a set of matching braids- the only purpose in that day’s attire being about putting one foot in front of the other- to be present with nature. To soak in my surroundings and allow my senses to lead me in exploration. 

Being the first of many tourist groups that were scheduled to visit the same trails that day, our guide instructed us through the trails- eager to get to, the tourist company, Hike Maui labeled it, waterfall five. Moving forward, at a steady pace, only stopping to gather our group to explain the sweetness of a hibiscus flower, or to enjoy the nectar of a ginger flower, we quickly reached number five. 

Seemingly as fast as we got to the waterfall, our guide was over the cliff and landing twenty feet below into the fresh water fall, previously only known as number five. 

Knowing my intention prior to arriving, and having no one to look after but myself, I found a spot to the right of the large tree roots we were standing on, took off my hiking clothes, leaving only my swimming suit and shoes on, and down the side of the canyon I went. 

Each foot placement needed to be intentional. Each step provided me one foot closer to the fresh waters, or one step closer to falling on a slippery rock. 

Without care of water temperature or personal appearance, I placed my feet into the water- continuing my intentional placement until enough of my body emerged in the clear and teeth chattering cold water. 

Wading turned into doggy paddles, and quickly into full submersion. Intentionally taking in my location, I pivoted my now horizontal body towards the waterfall fifty feet ahead. Feeling the sunshine on the back of the head, I moved slowly- quite literally soaking up this moment. 

I approached the waterfall without apprehension, and as I was the only one there- I swam right through the rushing vertical stream of water. For a slight moment time stood still as I breathed in slow and purposeful breaths. 

Wading back through the falls, I rolled over to my back, floating- soaking in the moment. I remained near the falls. I watched as other group members, now less of a strangers, cheered as the newly married wives waited at the bottom of the hill as their husbands jumped off of the cliff into the same water I was still loosely swimming in. 

Still floating, embracing the sun that was warming my face, I can hear the smile in the guide’s voice as he says: Renee, welcome to Maui. 

I felt alive. 

My heart beat increased and my eyes filled with tears. Even while living it- I knew this moment was one I would never forget. My own historical moment that would soon be a landmark in my memory- the one where my perspective would be changed forever.

Transformed into the person I’ve been battling to discover. Transformed to live with intention, to be uniquely me- to intentionally be the little voice that often stays in my head and wonders what if, or, I wish I could. 

A transformation of showing up for myself- as myself. 

Show up.

Show up for the I wonder what would happen if. 

Show up for the dreams that seem so out of reach. 

Show up for the people who are worth having in your circle. 

Show up for the moments you feel alive. 

Show up as your authentic self. 

Show up. 

Starkly aware of the moment I was in, I dropped my arms, followed by my legs and began to propel my body forward. Understanding that the tour must go on, and recognizing the value of this day, I knew that I also needed to embrace the beauty of enjoying a simple meal in the jungle. 

A turkey sandwich dressed in mustard, Cool Ranch Doritos, and an apple banana. Outside of the introduction of a new type of banana, this is a meal I’ve eaten and packed many times in my thirty-five years. Yet, as I sat on a large tree root, inside this Maui jungle, water dripping from each side of my braided pigtails, my towel slowly absorbing the fresh water that only moments ago surrounded my body, I felt flooded with emotion. 

Emotion that, just as with my introduction only a few hours ago, I felt like I needed to justify. 

Wiping my eyes through turkey sandwich bites, my initial reaction was to hide my tears- to not let another soul in or out of this jungle to know that tears were uncontrollably falling from my eyes. 

The tears signified an overwhelming abundance of pure joy. A moment marked in memory forever.

I turned my head slightly left, now over looking the waterfall I was just beneath, rather than ahead out into the jungle I was about to explore- I breathed in, and gave myself permission to feel. 

Permission to show up in my feelings. 

Permission to embrace my very real human emotions.

Permission to discover the profound moment I’ve just experienced- that I was still experiencing. 

Tears swelled my eyes until, with nowhere else for them to go, they once again streamed down my cheeks.

The difference- this time I let them go.  

I let the tears fall, not caring who was watching, or what any of my Hike Maui group members might be thinking of me. 

I let the tears fall, understanding that today I showed up. 

I showed up for the jungle lesson that will become my own Hawiian legend. 

I showed up for whatever life had to give me that day. 

I showed up as me- for me.

Waterfall number five changed me- all because I had the courage to show up.