What Ten Years of Marriage Has Taught Me

The perception we provide is both reality and a false sense of security.

The tiny moments that we choose to share with the world encompass our truth, just not always in its entirety. 

This weekend, feeling the most joy I had all week, I soaked in a simple moment shared both with old and new friends. Together we spent a few hours around a table, both in sharing old stories and making new connections. We stood together, in the city where my roots are both established and continuously rediscovered as the ever changing seasons redefine who I am. 

With only a few clicks, I showcased our upcoming landmark, reminding our social media followers of the milestone that has been consuming the majority of my reflective moments. An adorable picture that showcases my love for you, and yours for me- a quick snapshot of what our marriage looks like, is in actuality, a great depiction of what life as Mr. and Mrs. Jones is like in most moments. 

It is no secret that social media is a gateway to the highlight of people’s lives, not always providing an accurate portrayal of what life looks like behind closed doors. And while I’ve made a commitment to transparency, in full disclosure I , at times, catch myself censoring our vulnerable moments. 

Yet our reality is that in most moments, we actually are that in love. 

We still dance in our kitchen, enjoy long talks on our balcony, dream about our future, and push each other to do better- to be better. 

I still love you in the same way I did eleven years ago when I left what was then, my dream job, and the comfort of being surrounded by lifetime friends and family, when together we moved across the country. 

I still love watching you own the stage with karaoke moves that are incredibly infectious. 

I still love that you actually listen to what I have to say, and that you eagerly push me to go after what my fear labels as impossible. 

I still love you just the way I did the first time we exchanged those words. 

Three little words- words that meant so much to me then, somehow mean so much more to me now. 

Today we celebrate our greatest milestone yet,  as today we cross the threshold that grants us ten years of marriage. Ten years of union, ten years of figuring it out, understanding our prices of admission, and exploring how we have evolved as people. 

Ten years of marriage has brought us four biological children, two foreign exchange students, two cross country moves, two miscarriages, three therapists, one emergency surgery, difficult pregnancies, many misunderstandings and growth in our communication.

Ten years of marriage has proven to be, in moments- ugly, challenging and, at times, a never ending display of our opportunities for growth. 

Ten years of marriage has provided several once in a lifetime adventures, a shared love for Zac Brown Band and stadium concerts, an increased appreciation for simple moments, and a complete rediscovery of who we are as people, as a couple, and what our role as a parent looks like.

Ten years of marriage has provided me with a partner- one single human to experience so much life with. One companion to share in the daily grind, and some of life’s greatest moments. One person, who with even a brief moment of locked eyes and a passing embraceful smile reminds me that we are the only two people in this world that truly know our joint experience. We are the only two people who can share this deep connection, one that- because of our commitment and shared children can never be recreated.

I am not today, the woman you married ten years ago. You are not the man I married that very same day. In fact, we are mostly nothing like those people. 

We are so much better. We are better individually than we were ten years ago on this day, yet- together, living in our values, embracing our imperfections and challenging each other, this is where our true beauty lies. 

Like many others, we have come so far, yet have so much left to do, so much growth left to accomplish. Yet that is never my focus- and today is about celebrating where we started, embracing the parts we want to hold on to, and reflecting on the moments that caused us to be redefined. 

When I reflect on what I’ve learned the most in ten years of marriage- when I think about a tangible moment that has provided the most comfort and guidance, I am instantly taken back to our most recent therapist’s couch. A simple black sofa that was misplaced in an outdated room. The surroundings of of the many conversations that occurred during our nearly nine-months of therapy. This lightbulb second when, with ease, our therapist said “a bad moment doesn’t have to mean a bad day.”

A bad moment doesn’t have to mean a bad day. A bad day doesn’t have to mean a bad week. A bad week doesn’t need to mean a bad month, and a bad month certainly does not equate to a bad year. 

A disagreement doesn’t have to mean incapability. A difference in intimacy, definitions of success, parenting style or life goals does not have to equate to a disconnected marriage. 

A single moment, shared opinion or discrepancy does not define your marriage. 

Commitment- the showing up, the actual difficult discussions. The moments where you wonder if marriage is really meant to be this hard, or if you’ll ever get through whatever really hard thing it is that you are going through. 

The singular moments, the moments that encompass both sides of the pendulum swing, both the moments of incurable joy, and ones that leave you in dark despair. Singular junctions of time do not define you, or at least they don’t have to.

Your reaction, the decision you make to try something new, to hear your partner’s perspective, to ignore whatever advice doesn’t serve or sit well with you. To instead trust your decision on who you choose to share your life with- and to make the change. 

Ten years of marriage has taught me that bad moments are better when served and handled. Ten years of marriage has taught me that sweeping things under the rug only allows for the grievances to manifest uglier and dirtier than in their origin.

Ten years of marriage has taught me that you will find what you are looking for. If you focus on the forgotten laundry pile, dirty dishes, or broken shower- you will, without much effort, be disappointed. Perfection, even if desired, is not sustainable. 

Instead, when you wake up after a bad date night ending, a passionate discussion of different opinions, and instead of pointing out each of your partner’s flaws, you remind yourself of your values, and your union goals. You decide, not to just get through the day because your children deserve a safe household, but because you have, on purpose, chosen to stay married. 

Ten years of marriage has taught me that a bad hour at the end of a night out together does not mean the entire day was wasted or ruined. Ten years of marriage has reminded me that difficult discussions, and a mutual understanding of disagreement can actually build connection, rather than demand frustration. 

Ten years of marriage means that I am going to reflect on my emotions, figure out what they mean for me, and proceed with what is best in meeting my own needs, as well as the needs of my spouse. 

Ten years of marriage has taught me that giving up, at times, is the more productive option. Intense time intervals of questioning decisions and discussions, provide opportunities to walk away, to learn and explore what might be angrily mislabeled as a bad moment or should have known better.

Giving up and starting fresh relieves feelings of frustration, guilt or regret. Emotions of shame and should have known better make us believe that bad moments have to bubble up, to always lead to an eruption.

Yet, what I wished I would have known sooner, what I am grateful to know now- is that this preconceived idea, and the image of a perfect marriage doesn’t exist, or at least not in the way society conditions us to believe they do. 

Bad moments, bad days- they don’t provide an explanation for who you are, or what values our marriage holds. Bad moments are not to be run from, but rather learned how to handle. Bad moments present themselves in hard discussions, boiling anger, and often fear or anxiety. Bad moments, or the emotions that surround them remind us of being human, and provide us with the chance to learn.

Negatively labeled bad moments are necessary for growth- for becoming the connected unit that you commit to being on your wedding day. Bad moments, if you digest them,  provide growth and strength- and while the lesson may be years in the making, when you take the time to unpack them- little by little, they begin to get better. 

Yet, what ten years has also taught me is that the work is never done. 

The waking up on purpose to do the thing you don’t want to do because it is what is best for your marriage- the admitting you were wrong, or becoming transparent about difficult feelings. The explicit need to tell your partner exactly what you mean or want from them- none of that goes away. The current obstacle simply gets replaced with a new hard thing. 

Hard things are inevitable in living. Hard things will always be present in marriage. 

In our house something seems to always be broken, our schedule is forever a juggling act of how we can get each kid to their practices. Each day we are in constant communication, yet inevitably- in exhaustion or busyness, one of us is likely to have said something that was perceived as rude, or unnecessary.  Misunderstanding will occur and this commitment will likely be a relationship you work at for your entire life. 

Yet, here we are. Here we are taking the challenging moments, and finding a way to be intentional with the joy. We show up for the ebbs and flows of life- of sharing your life with someone through each of the seasons that it has to offer. 

Ten years of marriage has taught me, that as long as we both are living intentionally within our values, that when live with purpose in not breaking our top five marital commitments, that we both keep each other safe- that the bad moments, even in seasons where they appear to be more frequent and more challenging- that they are just that, moments. 

They are difficult moments that do not define that day, and they certainly will not be allowed to define our marriage. 

Our marriage is this beautiful blend of the mountains we’ve had to climb, the adventures we’ve embraced, the family we are raising, and the friendship we work to intentionally nourish. 

Our marriage isn’t perfect, no fairytale ever is. 

What ten years has also taught me is that the joy is never ending. The joy of embracing who you were, welcoming who we are becoming, and for making intentional movements to stay connected. 

What ten years has taught me is that I choose you, Jim, on purpose. And I will keep choosing you, everyday- with intention.

I chose you then, and I choose you now. 

Happy Anniversary, Jim. I love you.