With Intention

Intentionality is something that through to-do lists and big ideas, has always been part of my wiring. I’ve been making lists likely as long as I’ve been walking. And while I haven’t always pushed myself to go for the big ticket items- cueing the inner dialogue that really wanted undergrad Renee to study abroad, but ultimately decided against it, I’ve always made an attempt to live by my intentions. 

Live by my intentions- what does that even mean? 

Ultimately I have no real great answer. I can only really offer reflection and lessons learned. I certainly don’t always get it right, but I am at least now more in tune with what my values are, and how to objectively try and make it all work.

Yet, the more I reflect- the more questions that emerge.

The entire cycle of how to spend my time, which ideas align with my values, really only ever leaves me with this: how do we decide what intentions are worth going for?  Which decisions have the potential to significantly influence our lives, and well- which ones really just end up as things we think other people expect us to do, even when we really don’t want to?

How the heck do we really even figure out the difference- you know, before we go screwing something completely up, or missing a potentially exciting opportunity?

Or can we?

After thoughts-while at times can get a bad wrap, are really a sort of mystical, yet to be discovered treasure. For me- afterthought is synonymous with reflection. Reflection, the simple and most effective tool which graduate school Renee came to really appreciate. Cue gratitude and growth–I mean even this writing is indicative of me going for it.

After thoughts are the moments, these generally short and undecided portions of time- aware or not, where we decide to do the thing. Or even- not to do the thing. This sort of aha light bulb, or face palm flash where you realize what needed to be taught.

Reflection: a simple act that holds this incredible power to move the needle- to actually get you to put your life, or the thing you’ve really been wanting into action.

Of course, it’s just not that easy.

The problem with growth is that there are so many opportunities to mess it all up. So many steps, that while the process can be incredibly beautiful and life changing- include so many chances for failure. So many chances to revert to old habits, to toss in the towel.

For me, growth- true intentional change, is in the doing. Getting up early, following through on your commitments, the actual predetermined notion of it, whatever that is, into action. But wait- without the other steps, the afterthoughts or the agh- what now‘s, how do we know what doing is actually worth it?

Because isn’t it also true that the doing, just the actual act  to do- doesn’t actually move the needle? Because, truthfully, running in circle never really gets us anywhere either.

It’s all so complicated.

Intentionality is so multi-layered, so incredibly deep that as I sit and write this, I find myself both providing an internal sigh of relief, yet also an immediate laugh. Or perhaps some odd mixture of both, an odd blended grunt in what giving permission sounds like. A permission to be graceful with myself- with the world around me. 

Change, even if needed or deeply desired, is challenging. Desiring to live with intention, to use reflection purposefully- it’s all so complicated. 

It’s a true miracle that the needle ever gets moved, even marginally. 

Six weeks ago, after listening to multiple podcasts and after doing a lot of intentional reflection on how I show up for people- I sent what at the time felt like a scary message. I wrote to a friend, several weeks after her mom passed, and asked to see her- a simple: I miss you, I’m here for you- can I come visit? A way to help, to be there, even when I really had no idea what she really needed.

Weeks prior, right after hearing about her tragic loss, I meant to send flowers. I meant to call to see how she was doing. I meant to send a care package, to do something. Instead, paralyzed with not knowing what to say- I did nothing.

Literally nothing beyond a simple, I am sorry for your loss.

I’ve never found myself to be a person who is good with words when spoken out loud. I am terrible with small talk, and as a rule of thumb, I’m fairly terrible at thinking on the fly. I fumble so much over my words, I often wonder how I ever make it through any sort of professional meeting. My eloquence and deep thinking are found in written words- words that I most often keep safe in the protection of my journal.

Additionally, I live with fear. Fear and a lot of embarrassment. So much so that I decided not to show up for my friend. Much like many other people I have wanted to support, but ultimately done nothing for. Much like the many adult friendships I have wanted to cultivate, or jobs I have wanted to go for, but just didn’t know how to sit in the weird, or uncomfortableness of not knowing what to say, or how to fix it.

So I did nothing.

I buried my fears- brushing off that as a the mother to a current five kids, and a person who just started a new job, I am really busy. I let these excuses, while at times justifiable, be the reason I ran away from my own deep desires and values. I pushed down complicated feelings, and defended them by convincing myself that I don’t want to ever over step, a vague worry that I’d somehow be in the way. And so most often, against what I’d really like to do for people, I mostly just- don’t. 

In these moments- I was not showing up for my people, or really even myself- my values.

For most of my adult life, not bringing the casserole dish after a friend had a baby, or sending a gift on someone’s birthday in fear that they might already have the really funny dishtowel that reminded me of them, calling after someone is sick, or not wanting to bother someone after treatment- has left me with deep internal regret and missed opportunity for the connection that I cherish the most. The connection I know that above all, I actually value the most.

I haven’t shown up for people in the way I wished more would have for me when our daughter was in surgery, or after I walked away from my career in desperation. I hadn’t shown up for people like my dear friend Kim did the day I should have walked the graduation stage with my masters in Educational Leadership, but was instead bunkered down in our home thanks to COVID.

 I often didn’t show up in the way my Mom always does, or in the way our church members and our friend of twenty years did in providing meals after my hysterectomy. 

The not knowing what to do- the not showing up, is all a classic example of letting the potential failure- the thought that someone might not want my poorly cooked goulash, or that I really have no words that can heal the hurt or thing they’re going through.

And worse- these times, the ones where I needed to show up, were in fact- not about me. Yet, there I was- putting myself into the equation. I allowed my silence to show the people I love my uncomfortableness. I allowed my inability to handle uncomfortable conversation to speak louder than my deep desire to actually provide my loved ones with any sort of comfort.  

So while there is power in knowing when to show up for myself, I am beginning to challenge myself to lean into to the little voice that tells me when to be there for others. The nudge that urges me to walk into the doing.

The simple act of intentionally just being there.

After I sent the message to my friend, the one asking her what she needed, how I could support her- my stomach dropped. My message was incredibly vague, yet felt so large. The simple message was so very different than what I usually do. I wanted her to know that I wanted to support her- to do something, or nothing, whatever she needed. I had a deep desire to see her, hug her, and listen to her. To do whatever it is that she needed from me.

Her response was far more than I knew how to handle; she replied with an idea. An actual action step to make my offer a reality. 

There were many obstacles in making the proposition a reality. The initial reasons of why I hadn’t reached out six weeks ago were still true. I had just started a new job and still have five kids. We still live states away from each other, and let us not forget that, we are- of course, still living in a pandemic. 

Yet, we figured it out. Her idea: meet her in Hawaii, spend a few days with her, her husband, and their daughter. Do nothing and everything- just be there.

And so we did just that. I spent five days away from my nuclear family, not only having time to be there for my friend- to admit ‘hey, I don’t know what to say, but I’m here to listen’, but also time to reflect on the connection we experienced. The connection and the significant feeling of being at peace.

Intentionality. Actually taking the time to reflect on actions, rather than to just act- is the greatest version of slowing down that I struggle with. Doing the work to ensure my next steps, the energy I am providing is worth the sacrifice, and at the end of it, whatever that may be, that I will come out energized, at peace, or joyful. 

Living on purpose, with purpose is my second greatest growth focus, knowing what to focus on- is my first. For so long, I’ve danced with the idea of living my values and within my purpose, yet only recently am I discovering what that even means- to really live, to authentically be with intention.