Waking up long before the sun crossed the horizon is a trait I’ve become accustomed to. While working towards my undergraduate degree, after a night indulging in the two-dollar Captain Morgan special, long past ten o’clock; I was then, better at living in the moment, or at least talking myself into significantly less sleep than my currently needed eight hours. Beyond any logic I can currently comprehend, I would, without much grumble wake up to make it to the childcare center I worked at, the first of two paying jobs out of the four professional responsibilities I had that semester.
Before the sun would grace us with her beauty, I was on my way to open the toddler room, followed by academic classes on campus, a few hours serving the Department of Health and Human Services as a 3a case worker intern, ending promptly at four o’clock, so I could swiftly run off to my nightly shift supporting families on their scheduled visitation. I also somehow always managed to squeeze in homework, time with friends, a boyfriend who eventually became my husband, and well- I rarely missed that $2 Morgan and Coke special.
In truth, my entire adult life has been spent on full-speed, always looking ahead, never too far away from the next someday.
Someday, I’ll be married, have a few kids, you know- have it all. While I still don’t exactly know what having ‘it all’ would include, I know that the moments, the current grind of running out of the door, being overloaded with papers to grade, laundry to fold, juggling bedtime stories, actually having to organize and plan a night out, was all but once my dream.
You see, so often we forget that our current grind and grumble were once our driving forces- the passion that pushed us forward.
For me, the dream of having my own classroom, being pregnant and holding my own special perfectly created human form of myself, was my definition of success. The dream of living independently, having the capability to generate my own paycheck, my own means of sharing my voice and standing on my own feet. The thought of being an independent woman, supported by an incredible partner was a vital necessity in my very specific definition of prosperity.
The idea of soccer games, park excursions, pumpkin carving and lesson planning- all of the things that while currently hold a time marker in my calendar; the tasks that encompass my days, and at times overwhelm my heart, are in fact- the very real life makings of my previous daydreams.
Somewhere between the hustle and exhaustion, or the sheer naiveness of my inability to fully comprehend the energy needed to actually fulfill my younger desires, I often forget to sit and enjoy my achievements. I forget to say thank-you, to myself, or to whatever greater power provided me the opportunity to see the power of hard work and determination.
I forget that what at times gives me more anxiety than I’d love to admit, or has caused me to be so tired that I literally cannot compute reliable sentences, were all but once a dream.
How is it that we become accustomed to wanting more, to always looking forward. So much that we forget that looking in our rearview mirror is imperative to propelling us forward? We so easily forget that reflection and gratitude are the cornerstones of growth.
Are we preprogrammed to believe that if we stop pushing the needle- that we slowly, over time, lose our value? Do our previous accomplishments mean less if we simply stop achieving?
If we stop and just live in the original goals we made, do we lose validity? What if we appear significant, or good enough to the world, but slowly depreciate via our own judgments?
There is beauty in chasing the next great thing, yet how do we balance the desire to move forward with the appreciation and trust that we’ve done enough?
This morning, alone and wasting time, rather than making lunches for our children, the thought of contemplating my enneagram popped into my head. Years ago I took the Myers-Briggs personality test, and analyzed it deeply, most in thanks to a graduate assignment. While I begged internally to be a ‘woo’, my outcome pointed otherwise. My results, while from one perspective, may allude to me being a know it all, leaves me mostly prideful, and well, a little into myself. Having my top five traits be: achiever, discipline, futuristic, competition and focus, internally these qualities allow me to portray myself as a leader. Yet, when my enneagram results labeled me as a ‘one’ or perfectionist, I was offended.
My first attribute, achiever, is something I deem as a positive trait; a characteristic labeled as a person who gets things done well, someone who works hard. My enneagram, showing perfectionism, is internally perceived as negative, or nervously portraying me as someone who can’t get things accomplished until every element presents as perfect, and well- we all know things will never be perfect.
For me, the internal dialogue surrounding achievement, and yes, perfectionism, equates to the burning desire for me to constantly be pushing forward. To constantly be finishing tasks correctly, yet also ensuring things happen in a timely manner. Without a project, without something to do that is deemed difficult, I feel bored. I need an intentionally booked calendar to feel success- to make me feel like I am moving the needle. I need to both feel the pressure and be challenging myself with more.
I often joke with my husband that I don’t know how to be still. I actively have to work at being still- as in, I struggle when I am not doing something I identify as productive. As I see it- if I am not moving forward, then I might as well be sleeping. I crochet when I watch tv, I tap my foot while playing UNO with our children; I am constantly riding the hamster wheel of my never ending to-do list.
Slowing down, stopping to smell the roses- forcing myself to embrace the park days, the Friday night movies- to simply breathe in the previous what behind the why, has been embarrassingly difficult for me.I have to intentionally work to remind myself that everything that surrounds me was once the very thing I always wanted.
Adding reflection, gratitude and scheduled family rituals that provide down time has allowed me to take the deep breaths needed in effort to evaluate my current situation, and give myself the necessary atta girl– finally allowing myself to stop and really be present in the simple joys, the seemingly small, but actually enormous everyday blessings.
It’s okay to move forward, as long as we don’t forget to look around- to really live, to soak in the moments, the moments that we once only dreamed of being lucky enough to have.
Three Princes and a Sweet Pea 