Authenticity, while seemingly simple, is in fact a courageous and virtuous act. Authenticity, a noun to describe it’s adjective counter part, is well- something many of us are not great at.
While I am sure that many of us, myself included, subscribe to the logic that we encompass the environment and individuals in which we surround ourselves with. Yet, we aren’t yet ready to evaluate their significance. We aren’t really, at least not often, analyzing our friend circles or the habits we continue to embrace day after day. I mean, the giant piece of chocolate cake, while delicious, makes me sick to my stomach every single time. So, why in the hell am I still ingesting every delicious calorie?
Furthermore, some of us spend several hours mindlessly scrolling through social media or a variety of internet browsers, often without any thought to its influence. So many of our habits, or people in our lives are just there. Just simply taking up space, or dictating our next moves. These habits show up every single day, without question and generally without thought. For better or worse, we just keep getting up and doing the same thing over and over again- constantly reliving our very own version of Groundhog Day.
You see, the problem, or at least a personal recent source of contemplation, leaves me perplexed at how much negative energy, intentional or not, I surrounded myself with. The amount of people I allow to influence my life, and of course- on the flip side, the internal consideration regarding the energy I am putting out into the world. How much of what I show represents my truest values? How much of how I am raising our children is represented through what I actually believe to be best practice, and how much of my disciplines or evening rituals surface from what comes easiest or what has been done around me? How much of my authentic self am I presenting to the world, and how much of who I really am is hidden under societal expectations, or from simply following ranks.
Fear and lack of knowledge regarding next steps or through questioning what now provide me enough reason, sometimes without purpse, to continue what I am doing. Often, without being forced, or seemingly without the deep gut wrench of having no other choice than to figure out how to do life differently, we- as humans, continue with what’s comfortable- what we are already doing.
Taking the leap, actually rising up and making big changes, likely only occur when we are stricken with the stark reality that we no longer have a choice. A loved one moves away, your dog dies, or your doctor details a diagnosis, rather than a pending prognosis.
Like me, I am guessing many of you have fallen back into old eating habits, or toxic friendships, simply because it’s just what you’ve done, or because change is incredibly difficult. Also like me, how many of you- without other choice, have found yourself making huge directional or lifestyle changes, because well- the tiny human has to be kept alive. When you seemingly have no other choice, you all the sudden find the hidden motivation to do life differently.
My biggest life changes, a direct revamp of what my daily customs look like, have only really happened six times in my adult life. These events: the birth of each of our four children, my cross country move from Lincoln, Nebraska to San Francisco, California, and the decision to leave the classroom and become a stay-at-home- mom.
Each monumental change occured on one a single day, and equated to an, at least six month adjustment. SIX MONTHS. Six months of trying new routines, six months of oh shits, and well craps. Six months of embracing a lot of tears, and a whole lot of uh- oh, what now. Of course, there were also six months of joyful moments. Six months of baby snuggles, new adventures, an exploration of a very large red bridge, and a few discoveries of my new favorite things. Six months worth of experiences, the good and the bad, completely intertwined together.
Six months of figuring out a new normal. Six months of being committed to the change, simply because, well- in my eyes, there truly wasn’t another way. The big commitments I’ve made, my ultimate non-negotables, my truest allegiances, the things that ring true time and time again: my unwavering devotion to my marriage and my unconditional pledge to our family. So for each of these five significant events, day after day, I rise up and figure it out. I kept going, through the struggle and the triumph, I kept showing up- over and over, because that is the commitment I made, and those were the changes that accompanied them.
Without this burning need, a sort of slap in the face reality of change in direction and dedication, I have not been as successful in making fully committed transformations.
In conversation or via a Gallup survey, if you asked if I liked or embraced change, my initial instinct would be to quickly respond yes. I enjoy being challenged, and I like to be constantly moving towards something. Some goal, some taks I deem as both difficult, but still possible. Yet, in reality, when I strip away the ego and internal pressure to always be ‘on’, I am completely terrified of switching things up.
I am just as scared and clueless of tackling something new, as I imagine you might be. Or least as scared as Beyonce must have been the first time she performed solo without the physical presence of her girls Kelly Rowland and Michelle Willams. While not as exciting as being a member of Destiny’s Child, my new calendar system, parenting principle, or eating habits always sound like a great idea. Well- until the motivation wares off, or at least until my desire for doing what has sort of been working strikes my internal thought as an okay way to live. The old saying- if it’s not broken, don’t fix it comes to mind.
Sure, not completely broken, but also not something to be desired.
Eating ice cream nearly every night, moving my body sometimes, only screaming a few times a week at my children, figuring out date nights a few times a year- all of these are options, choices that while- all positive, are not idealistic to the values I possess, or the life I truly want to live. All of these actions, while not broken, are still worthy of fixing- or at least revamping.
The difficulty in revamping your life- your routines, your people- your everything, is that it requires a genuine inventory in what is actually going on in your life, versus what you want to be happening in your life. Having difficult conversations with yourself, about yourself and the choices you are making every single day do in fact equate to the habits and routines that you are building. Understanding your genuine authentic self requires the need to live in a way that you are being you- unapologetically.
While I imagine many distant family members, old friends or heck- even some of my closest people would label positive parenting as hokey or non-effective, I’ve come to realize that in efforts of being true to myself, my actions require that in efforts of asking other folks to take me seriously, I also need to be taking myself seriously. Or well- accepting who I am, the things I like and the individual needs I posess. Welcoming my true self, not just an acceptable version of the person I could be.
If someone on social media has a consistent stream of toxic memes, I need to unfollow. If Nancy wants to hate on my lifestyle choices, or make passive remarks about my children’s clothing- I also need to unfollow. Or better yet, defend, educate and then unfollow. If I want people to understand the power of positivity, or to know they aren’t alone in the thinking that parenting is challenging, or that I found working outside the home with a large family nearly impossible- then I need to have the courage to share my story, to be open with my journey.
So here it is….
My truth:
My marriage is flourishing far more than it has in previous years. My excitement for learning parenting techniques, reading new books and listening to inspiriting podcasts genuinely fills me with an incredibly amount of joy. I apparently don’t actually hate cooking, I just do not enjoy the pressure of not having adequate time to prepare a meal. Our children bring me crazy amount of elation, and while as a group we are fantastic, one-on-one is where I love each of them the most. While I am still working to purposefully see friends more often, I appreciate the laughs and simple conversations far more than I ever have. It also turns out that I actually like moving my body, and well, unfortunately, I recently had to accept that caffeine is not something I can consume after 2pm. I am, in most moments, very happy with my life.
Yet, also true- I am struggling in how to enjoy being a parent every single day, as in how to make parts of each day be filled with joy, rather than have being a mother of four children feel like a grind. I am struggling with handling the consistent sibling arguments, the seemingly endless amount of potty training accidents and the never ending hunt for a sippy cup. I become frazzled when our children yell, and I do not know the appropriate way to handle our five year old hitting his brother for the twenty seventh time in twenty-four hours. I accept that working outside the home and raising four kids was too much, especially when considering the amount of strain doing both had on my marriage. I do, at times, still dream of chasing old aspirations and crushing glass ceilings. I am still working on truly accepting that I have worth outside of professional accomplishments, which generally equates to a daily pep talk convincing myself- being a mom is enough. I am enough.
Society tells me saying all of that, divulging authentic intimate truths is over sharing. As if sharing my difficult moments somehow negate the genuine joyful ones. Society tells me to be grateful, to share my pride rather than my pit falls. Society, in my opinion, has high expectations, expectations better suited for imaginary play or fantasy stories.
My authentic self feels relieved when I speak my truth. My true self embraces the ride and appreciates having a safe space to share my raw emotions.
My truth is that I believe there is beauty in living a life full of transparency.
Doing things differently, being your genuine self- all of which should, in thought, be very easy, is in practice incredibly difficult.
I’ve spent a lot of hours reflecting, writing and really diving into the person I want to be. I’ve thought about and journal on becoming, as in fully embracing, a mantra, a set of words, rather than accomplishing large tasks or crushing check-list goals.
When inspired, or as a thought strikes me, I grab my phone or closest notebook and begin jotting down my ideas. Having written down a set of phrases that embody who I am, and where I am going. Phrases that stick out to me, or concepts that continuously circle back. Those recurring thoughts are the ideas that I want to spend more time with. Misunderstandings, contemplations or the desires that keep presenting themselves time after time- this is the year I want to unpack and resolve them.
Not having any 2021 resolutions, I have instead resolved to having revelations. To having 2021 be the year that I evaluate my choices, reflect on my actions and become incredibly intentional with how I spend my time. I strive to make this my best year yet, not because it’s cliche, or because 2020 was in fact, like many of yours, incredibly challenging, but because I’ve got one life- one journey to make and only limited, and unknown, years to make them count.
This is the year- the year I work, not to crush it, but instead work to make this year about me- for me. This is the year I acknowledge, wrestle and express my truth. The year I purposefully live in my values, follow my gut and show my authentic self. This is the year I flourish.
This is the year I make revelations rather than resolutions. This is the year I live my best life- without apology, without acceptance or permission. This is the time- this is my journey.
How will you make 2021 your year?
Three Princes and a Sweet Pea 