Redefine Your Success

September 23, 2020

Redefine your success. 

As if stuck in a time warp, or like a beloved junior high song, those words are played over and over in my head. 

Redefine your success. 

When a dear friend reached out nearly forty-eight hours ago congratulating me on getting to officially walk across the stage, officially marking the end of educational leadership graduate program, she vaguely opened a discussion regarding how I was feeling. I contemplated providing a basic, overly predictable, semi-truthful response, yet as the tears began to swell up, I was reminded of my value of transparency. So, against my gut- I was honest. I told her the truth I wrangled around with, and the inner turmoil of not knowing what to do about it. 

I admitted my truth. I enjoy being home because I provide peace and comfort to my family. I am provided with time to enjoy our kids, rather than just be the organizer and person who prepares us for the day next at school, the next soccer game, the next meal, the next whatever is happening- and, to be honest- there is always something happening. I enjoy being home because I feel joy when reading to Baer and Rory, and knowing that there will not be any stress trying to figure out what to do with the kids on the newly added days off for teacher plan days. I enjoy being home because sometimes, when the stars align, Baer and Rory nap, allowing Jim and I the time to a quiet lunch. I enjoy being home because the memes forever circling social media about being replaceable at work, but irreplaceable at home are incredibly true. I enjoy staying home because I can take field trips with my kids anytime I want. I enjoy staying home because my husband is less frazzled, less tormented by my busy schedule, and therefore he also can contribute to the growth of calm in our home. I love staying home, because Mom is the title I am most honored to have. 

Yet, because I’ve vowed to be honest- especially with myself, I am struggling to feel successful without work. I’ve always been the one with too many things on her plate. In undergrad, when Jim and I met, I was attending classes full-time, working two jobs, while juggling an internship. I was busy- maybe for him, too busy. Yet, I maintained friendships, fell deeply in love, and most importantly, I was happy. Happiness, for me, comes with the feeling of accomplishment, or even the feeling of working towards something that is difficult. 

In my head, I juggle around the idea of working to become the next mom focused- version of Rachel Hollis, or flipping the coin, returning to work and reinventing a way to once again chase my leadership dreams. 

In a completely unfair reality, I don’t want to just teach. Teaching, while an incredibly important job- my second greatest label, is not where my heart is. In fact, if you ever stepped foot in my classroom, you’d know that english was hardly my strength. I was constantly re-teaching myself basic grammar before I dared step in front of my students. In fact, through reading this blog you’ll likely find many necessary grammatical corrections. Where, I excelled, where my passions lie- are in supporting and building relationships with kids. High expectations and breaking barriers, are not just something I enjoy doing myself, but rather for all the people around me. Curriculum is not my strength, relationships are. Yet, I cannot help but wonder- is inside a school building the only way to feel success and build supporting relationships? Is there another way to make a difference, yet still be available for my family? 

I know that by being home, I am doing that very thing for the children, I believe deserve it the most- especially deserve it the most from me, my own children. Yet, because there are no parenting awards, no advanced degrees, or promotions to be given, I am struggling with how to feel like I am a success. 

In efforts to acknowledge, or even figure out what my next steps are, I realize that I’ve been on a roller coaster of what decision I should do, or keep for over six months. Stay-home, return to work, on and on the cycle continues. But never, well until today, have I stopped to reflect on how I manage to merge the feeling of success, with the joy of a calm family, and desire to actually enjoy raising our children- rather than just wishing for the next thing. 

I’ve danced with the idea of staying home until Aurora goes to kindergarten. Four year of just raising kids- which, is by no means unimportant, yet which is- for me, by itself, unfulfilling. I’ve tangoed with the question of returning to work, and focusing on teaching, still leaving nights, weekends and summers with our family. Yet, that too, seems like I’d always be dreaming of the front office. 

What I haven’t done, what maybe, I really need to do- is focus on figuring out what makes me happy- to analyze a way to support and build exceptional relationships, while still having the ability to chase a dream, to find fulfillment. 

So, today- today, I vow to find the joy in my new role. I vow to accept the decision I made to stay home, and rather than wollaw in what was, or could have been- acknowledge that there are reasons and desires behind my decision to stay home. Maybe then, I can switch gears to figure out a way to chase a dream, chase a dream that allows me to feel success, help people, and be the calm my family deserves. 

I have no idea when, or if I’ll return to the classroom, or if I’ll ever be honored with a school leadership title. What I do know is that right now, for the first time in several months, I feel optimistic about this life change. I feel confident that through continuous reflection, new goals, and a commitment to find the joy in my new title, I am ready for the challenge.

Ironically, what if I completed my leadership degree, not to work in a front office of a high school, but to instead be an advocate and positive influencer for a community of mothers, all while having a flexible schedule to properly serve my family? What would happen if I followed my heart instead of the professional check list I made two kids ago? What if maybe, I found a way to redefine my success?